A while ago, a woman, and after reading Aroos Amman, sent me a letter on Facebook, telling me her story of being tricked into a fake marriage with a gay man who soon left her. She said that she felt like both Laila and Salma in the book for what she went through in her marriage and now what she is going through fearing of ending up alone for the rest of her life.
Today, a gay man replied to that post under the nickname Aziz. He is giving a similar account to Ali in the book. He has been married for five years now and feeling horrible for not being able to give his wife what she needs. He was driven to take this move by family expectations, social pressure and religious fears.
I leave you to read his words, but I wonder, till when are we going to push people into fake relationships? ones that defy their nature? Isn’t it about time to spread a decent sexuality education in our schools?
I am writing this from the point of view of the closeted husband. My wife and I have been married for five years. I knew I liked men long before, but hadn’t acted on it. I was raised in a very religious household and was always taught that it was very wrong to feel as I do and that God would punish me forever if I ever committed any act of homosexuality. To those of you who are reading from the outside (from outside of our societies) this may seem crazy. But, a lot of people think this way and live their whole lives in fear.
I lived and live in fear everyday. Though my belief has faded over the years, I still can’t shake the image of an angry God constantly at my heels. I live in fear of divorce as well because I fear losing my relationship with my son. I fear losing my family. I fear being alone forever and dying alone. My fears are justified because here, if a person is considered “bad” by society, he/she will be cut off. So, I have to play the game.
Everyday, I die. I feel like I’m sleeping on a bed of thorns-every move hurts, I never feel at ease. I hate to wake up and I hate to sleep because this follows me into my dreams. I hate that I am hurting my wife. She knows something is wrong and she blames herself. Why don’t I want her? Why am I always depressed and angry? What has she done to deserve this? I want so badly to be honest with her, but I know what will happen if I am. So I play the game.
I had an affair once. I never felt so at ease as when I was with him. Everything, from conversation, to affection, to sex came so easily. I finally realized what my straight friends were talking about when they said their wives made them so happy. But, it couldn’t continue as it was too much of a risk and we ended the relationship.
I understand that many feel that homosexuality is a sin. And maybe it is. But, why do we force people to live in hell before they’ve even died? My wife is in hell, I am in hell. I am sure it can’t hurt any worse than this. And my biggest fear is that my son will see our relationship and believe that this is what love and marriage are supposed to be like.
Gay guys, please don’t marry just to please your parents or live a “normal” life. Your life will be far from normal no matter how much you tell yourself it will be OK. I know.