يمتد خيالي بلحظة عشق مع هطول الثلج


اقف خلف نافذة غرفتي, تستمتع اعيني بمنظر الثلج, يمتد بصري نحو الافق ليتابع امتداد البساط الابيض الذي غطى كل شىء معطيا حسا جميلا و نظرة اخرى لعالم حولي تعودت مشاهدته كما هو
يمتد بصري خلف حدود النافذه, و يمتد خيالي خلف حدود الجسد. اشاهد نفسي اركض في الحقول البيضاء, كأنني طفلة اركض بفرح و حرية. خلفي هو يركض للحاق بي. سأمسك بك يصرخ بحب, اضحك و اتابع الجري و اقول حاول مع انني ايقن انني سأخسر في نهاية المطاف. خسارة لذيذة خططت لها عندما بدأت اركض. بعد عدة لحظات, كما هو متوقع, و مخطط له, يلحقني, يمسكني من الخلف, يلف يده خلف خصري و يلف جسدي لمقابلته. اصارع لالتقاط انفاسي كما يفعل هو. انظر الى عينيه و اشعر بالدفء. يضغط بساعده خلف ظهري فأجد جسدي يميل الى الخلف. اترك القياده له و ارخي جسدي ليسقط فوق بساط الثلج. يسقط هو فوقي, يحيطني بجسده الضخم, يشعرني بالدفء و الامان. لم يعد العالم سوى لوحة بيضاء لا ارى فيها سوى عينيه الزرقاء. يقترب وجهه من وجهي فأغمض عيني في انتظار قبلة حارة
اصحو فجأة من حلمي على صوت امي. هيا, تعالي حضري الفطور! و فجأة تظهر جدران غرفتي لتحيط مساحة الحرية البيضاء التي بلا نهاية. فجأة يظهر عفش غرفتي و يغطي ارض احلامي. تختفي حريتي و اعود لقيود واقعي. خوفي من البرد يكبل حريتي بالخروج و الجري في الثلج. هو ليس موجود سوى في خيالي, و لا استطيع البحث عنه نظرا لقيود المجتمع, حتى و ان وجدته فان تحقيق المشهد هو ضرب من المستحيل. فأن قبلة كتلك كفيلة باهدار دمي و دمه. قبلة كتلك كفيلة باشعال غضب الناس حولي.
اعود للواقع, للقيود, و للعبادة, فلا مكان للفرح هنا سوى لحظات خيالي التي تسترقني فيلحظات قليلة كلحظة سقوط الثلج
ثلجا سعيدا,
هيا

The honor of a lady is the honor of all men


The honor of a lady is the honor of all men

It is not clear to me whether men’s protection responsibility for women in their lives is a natural instinct that defines the sexual relationship between the two sexes or is it a social construct that is build around worshipping masculinity where a man’s masculinity is measured by his strength and ability to provide safety for related women and children.

It is also clear that the majority of women are drawn to men with superior physical attributes where they would feel safer about men whom they subconsciously believe can protect them. For some women, it isn’t a matter of physical strength, as a strong character of a man is a major turn on for a woman that proves his ability to take up such responsibility.

And while women around the world, especially in the west, and due to the modern life advancements, are grown more and more independent of their need for men’s protection in a society where physical strength is no longer a mean of power, you can see that in a less mature societies the major dynamic that dictates the relationship of women and men is protection

It is more clearer in the Arabic teenage communities where it reflects in an extra immaturity what is going on in the Arabic societies at large. At schools, the rules of the state are not applied as it is applied outside schools borders.

This talk reminds me of a major fight happened at my school when I was in 11th grade. The reason ofcourse was the honor of a lady who was in 10th grade and was dating a guy in her class. While I am not sure what really happened then, but it is something that an 11th grade student tried to hit on the lady where she ran to her boyfriend for protection, and because if her boyfriend didn’t act in a *manly* matter, which is kicking the other guy’s ass, then he would lose his honor and status at school.

The story ofcourse doesn’t end there. We all know how our Arabic societies love grouping. We all like to fight, after all dying fighting is a major attribute every Arabic man dreams of for the sake of his honor, and we all look for a certain bond with other people in order to fight with, if it isn’t a blood bond then it is a religious one, and if it isn’t a religious one then it is race one. There is always a bond. And at school, our bond was classes! Like 11th grade class have all something in common, 10th grade class are one group also, and so and so.

So in no time, each one of the two guys at odd were able to group the entire males of his class. All little men stood infront of each other ready to prove their loyalty to their class and fight the battle of their lives for the sake of the lady’s honor (it became their own honor now).

Ofcourse your humble writer didn’t want anything to do with it. It is just now that I realized that since my childhood I have never allowed any type of bond to push me into hurting someone I barely know and who happens to only be at the other side. Humanity has been my only bond and peace has always been my blind choice, and even at that time, watching all those guys fighting each other fiercely while teachers unable to control them, I stood their in between trying to help breaking them apart. And when someone got really hurt, as he got a serious injury at his shoulder, I went insane and started to shouting here and there for them to stop this insanity.

I have never been able to comprehend the amount of hurt we human beings can inflict upon each other. Life is hard in itself, a lot of other things are doing enough damage to us, and the last thing we need is us hurting each other. It becomes more absurd when many men get hurt for a single woman’s honor.

I am on Toot! Finally!


Finally I made it to Toot!

When I first started blogging two years ago, my eyes caught Toot. With its beautiful user interface and the quality of blogs it aggregates, I wanted my blog to be added among them. They have a very tight rules for adding blog based on the blog quality, frequency of posing, hits, and wasta as well. So unfortunatly, my blog didn’t meet their requirements for sometime, and as a result, I was so disappointed in them where I stopped even visitng their aggregator, preferring other ones that are open to everyone.

A few days ago, I got an email from the Toot team telling me that they have added my blog to the list of blogs they aggregate. It was a really happy news for me because altough I tried to ignore Toot’s existance, I have always questioned my blog quality and the reason for them to deny it.

Being on Toot is like a quality certification to this blog that I feel proud of.

Check Toot our here:
http://itoot.net/

May your soul rest in peace – My grandma


‘I promise God to sacrifice a lamb if I die’

My grandma wished death to come quick on her last days. My father, in an attempt to raise her morals, joked, how would you sacrifice a lamb when you are dead?

After struggling with cancer for two years, and after more than two months being stuck to her bed without being able to move and serve herself, pain and tiresome got to her where she wished death to come quick in order for her to rest.

With all of her pain and struggle, she never lost her faith in God. She kept on praying till her last days and hoping for God to release her pain. Three days before she passed away, she had the communion bread and blood of Jesus, she raised her head and said “God, in you hands I rest my soul” and then she went directly into a coma.

A saint, she has always been. Her faith in God has always been too strong. Her father was a priest, and she was raised on strong christian values. Coming from a very wealthy family, she never looked for material fulfillment. Even when her family lost all of their wealth and land because of the Israeli occupation, she remained untouched. She never moaned or whined for the lost wealth. She lived a poor life, but kept her soul richness. She has always rich with her content and love for people. Her muse was helping others, and her only comfort in her last days was the visits of people who loved her. Whenever a person visited her, she wanted him/her to come near and hold her hand. Her human love was unmatchable, and it came all back to her with her husband, 6 children, 19 grandchildren, and another 19 grand-grandchildren all praying for her and crying from her leave.

A few weeks ago, she dreamt that she was cured and that she is running in the street celebrating her health while asking my grandpa to bring sweets for all the family and friends to celebrate this moment. When she woke up, she realized that it was a dream and started crying.

But I guess that it wasn’t a dream, it is most probably a vision where she is now walking and running in heaven, celebrating her life with the God she always believed in and prayed for.

May you soul rest in peace my grandma. You know how much we all love you.

رفضت العريس


ارتكبت الذنب العظيم و رفضت العريس. كسرت حلقة الضغط و انتصرت لنفسي. هزمت امي و اخواتي و المجتمع. نفضت الكابوس عن نفسي و اعلنت ولائي لها. حطمت حاجز الخوف و رميت نفسي في احضان المجهول. فضلت حضن المجهول على حضن العريس, فايقاني باستحالة تمضية حياتي مع هذا الشخص اعطاني القوة الكافية للتمرد و قول لا. لا لا لا

انتصاري لم يكن بغنائم, كان فقط انتصار دفع الأذى عني. المحصلة كانت قتل احلام امي في رؤيتي عروسا. المحصلة كانت ايقاذ مخاوف امي في رؤيتي عانس. اعماها الخوف و الغضب, ووجهت مخاوفها نحوي. قست علي لخوفها من عنوستي. استعملت اساليب الترهيب و التهديد. هذه اخر فرصة لك, قالت بعصبية. غدا سيصبحن صديقاتك امهات, و ستبقين انت وحيدة

لا استطيع, صرخ جسدي قبل عقلي. اجتمعوا صديقاتي علي, حاولي فالوقت كفيل بتعويدك عليه. لا استطيع العيش مع رجل لا احبه, و من قال لك اننا نحب ازواجنا؟ كنت ابكي كل ليلة قبل يوم زفافي قالت واحده منهم, و انظري لي الان, امرأة متزوجة, يحترمني المجتمع لا اخاف نظرات الناس او شماتة المعارف

حاولت ان احكم عقلي. لولا الضغط لما كنت فكرت به. ضغطت على نفسي, عنفتها. تماديت في التركيز على محاسنه, متعلم, ثري, طيب, ابن عيلة و ناس, فماذا اريد اكثر؟ اي منطق يجعل جسدي يتحكم بقرارة نفسي؟ كيف ارفس فرصة كهذه و اغامر في المجهول. لماذا لم اكن كباقي البنات؟ فالزيجة مازالت عندنا تجارة, والرجل يقاس بنقوده. البنت تباع للأغنى, فلم لا ابيع نفسي و انتصر على الجميع؟ هل اصبحت ضعيفة الى هذا الحد ام ان صدقي تجاه نفسي اعطاني القوة للوقوف في وجه التيار؟

ارتاحت نفسي لربح المعركة, اخرت سقوتي في النيران, لكن الوقت يداهمني, والسنة الناس تلسع جسدي الذي يجري في سباق مع الزمن, سباق لايجاد الرجل المناسب قبل الوقوع في اتون العنوسة

الضحية,
هيا

The best love is the one…


The best love is the one you find while searching for something else
Absurd, isn’t it?
That is what I used to think
until it happened to me
and which was accopmanied with my sigh lying on
Ahalam Mustaghanmi novel
Fawda Al Hawas (Chaos Senses)
Where she wrote a whole novel around this line
and her love for a fictional man
whom she found while searching for another one

but isn’t that what always happens?
Ok, don’t shoot me, most of the time (so not to generalize)
where people build all of those expectations
for a fictional lover
certain hight, body type, eyes color, skin color, characteristics, financial assets, age,..
and spend their whole life searching
searching and searching
when suddenly
and out of no where
another person comes into their lives

Someone that you didn’t draw in your imagination
and haven’t colored his/her details
Someone whom you would ignore
because he/she doesnt match what you have in mind

but this someone
shakes your entire reality (imagination)
and wake you up on a new ground

this someone refuses to accept the drawing in your mind
and takes a pencil of his/her own to draw a new reality
a reality where happiness is manifested in a new shape
and where a wake up of a dream
brings you to a better one
a reality
where NO body shape, eyes color, or any other line
can explain the attraction hit you on your face
and the love that swept you off your feet
while you were looking to the other direction

and suddenly you realize
that Ahlam Mustaghanmi was 100% right
and that the best love
is the one you find
while looking for another thing

Another kind of reality that life teaches us
One that I have gladly learnt

Love you…