What a bad luck on my bday!

What a bad luck I had on my birthday!

I know that it sounds childish, but even at my 29 years old age, I look forward for my birthday. I do like the feeling of being special on that day where people who love me celebrate my birth.

Unfortunatly, this year, I had a terrible day. Although, my family and friends worked hard to make me happy, still no one could change the bad luck I had on 15th of June. I guess that I should have read Maggie Farah book for this specific day in order to try to avoid what happened!

I had the first sign early in the morning at 8:00 AM with a message from Fastlink informing me that my mobile phone is disconnected because I surpassed my limit for this month! The bad luck is all connected. Two days before that I called to check for Paulo Coelho event signing in Amman. I didn’t know that they charge 1$ per minute, and I was disappointed later on to know that he has cancelled his trip to Jordan because of this. Which was the first bad sign (I should start listening when such things happen).

Anyway, the plan was to go to the dead sea with my friends. Everything went smoothly and we had a good time swimming. I was happy except for the my phone being disconnected where I couldnt reply to people sendinf me text wishes. I even forgot about my phone on our way back home where suddenly I felt something wrong with the car. I thought it was the tire or the gear. I stopped it aside to check things up. The tires were okay, and the gear was okay as well. I tried to switch it on again but it didn’t work. I picked up my cell phone to call my father but I realized it is disconnected! Thank God I had friends with me in the car. I used my friend cell phone. My father suggest for me to wait till the car cool down. I did that but it didn’t happen.

A couple of guys came to my rescue. One of them figured out what is the problem. Obviously it was *e2shat el seder* (I have no idea what it is in english). There was no way to move the car except to bring a winch to pull it to Amman. I couldn’t leave it there because it was a dark area where thieves would steal it. The guys contacted a winch driver who asked for 70 jd! I thought it is too much, and tried to figure out my options. As I lost hope and wanted to call him back, another winch crossed by us like a gift being sent from the sky! We stopped him and asked him to pull the car to byader wadi el seer. He asked to 35 jd. I had no choice but to accept.

Me and my friend stayed in the car on the top of the winch during the ride to Amman! It was a weird experience! When we reached Amman, we parked the car infront of the mechanic shop. Next day I stayed for 6 hours in the mechanice shop till he fixed it! It costed me 90 jd! What a happy birthday I had!

Fortunatly the day before my birthday and the day after it kind of made it up for me. I had two celebrations, one on thursday night, and another surprise party on saturday night. I got a perfume, vodka bottle, a painting case, painting training book, ‘Blink’ book and a Swatch watch.

And I got a lot of gifts and birdthday wishes on facebook.

Thank you all for making my birthday special.

Wish the zodic were with me! :S. Go saturn go! I hate you!


The man I inherited his spirit

They have always compared me to him in terms of goodness, calmness and love to other people. His image has always hunted me, with him not only passing his blood and morals to me, but also even after years of him passing away, still appearing in my dreams as if in my subconscious I refuse to believe that he has gone.

I always see him alive and healthy in spite of his last days of struggling with Cancer. He always sits there on the sofa he used to sit on in their living room, but this time with silence as if he is only there to watch my grandma whom he loved the most and spent most of his life taking care of – Refusing to leave her even now on his after life as well.

Cancer was only a tiny portion of the hardship he had to face in his life. My mother, in tears, likes to remember her father’s hard life and lists the hardest moments he had to go through.

While he was a child, fate decided to steal his mother, leaving him and his siblings with a tough father whom after a short period of time decided to marry again, bringing them a bad step-mother who didn’t just used to treat them badly, and lie about their behavior for their father to punish them, but also was able to deliver some other kids which they gave a special treat at the expense of my grandfather and his sibling from his original mother.

I can remember the tears on his eyes whenever he hears the song of Dured Lahham “Yamo yamo, ya set el habayeb yamo” (Mother, mother, the queen of the loved ones). The pain of loosing his mother has companioned him through his whole life.

Loosing his mother as a child was not enough. Fate decided to strip him from his father as well leaving him alone in this world where the only choice left for him to survive is to live in an orphanage house. A house where strict Christian nuns were responsible of taking care of him, teaching him Christianity and French!

At 18, he had to leave his orphanage house and join the army. It was 1948 battle where he fought with his fellow young Palestinians to protect their land. He used to remember in bitterness the type of cheap retarded weapons the British army provided them with in comparison to the advanced ones the Israeli gangs used to have.

The war ended, and he became a refuge. I am not sure if at that time he was already married to my grandma or not. But I know that he had later on to struggle with poverty in order to support his family over the years.

Because of his honesty and rejecting anything that would contradict with his strict moral system that were inject in him by the nuns at the orphanage house, he had never been able to stick to a job. Even if it meant that he and his family had to starve.

At one of his job he was a supervisor on some workers, the higher management were using those workers without paying them what they deserve. He objected and fought for their rights in order to be loyal to what he believes in. He won himself, but lost his job.

Later on, he moved to work in Libya, and while he was able to make good money there, he couldn’t stay more than a year because of his love for his wife and kids. He couldn’t stay away from them, and so he decided to come back. With the money he saved working abroad, he went into a partnership with a friend of him and opened a cafeteria that didn’t last for long because his friend betrayed his trust, stole from him, and ran off!

Beside his struggle with Cancer on his last days, He has faced other serious health problems in his life. Once while working in Aqaba, he felt a pain in his eye, and so he went to the Dr. to check it out. The dr. diagnosed it to be a cancer and recommend that he removes it so that the cancer won’t spread. And so, that is what he did, only to find out after he lost his eye, that it wasn’t a cancer! It was only a small congestion of blood in his eye that was formed because of a hit he got at childhood.

On another accident, he was working on a machine where it broke and hit his ear, cutting it from his head, where he had to take it with him and run to the hospital for them to put it back.

His smoking habit didn’t spare him from a run to the hospital as well because of a stroke that attacked him leaving him helpless to a heart surgery where he knew that he had to stop smoking.

With all those problems, I have never seen any bitterness in him for life. He has always had a good spirit. He has always showed his love to people around him. He has always believed in goodness no matter how much evil he had to go through.

We usually compare him to Prophet Job (Ayyoob). No one had to be patient in his life like him.

May his soul rest in peace…

Is Masculinity/Femininety innate need or socially imposed treat?

It puzzles me how much people are willing to go in order to maintain their outer figure to comply with what the majority of other people think to be attractive. Things get even more complicated when they are related to masculinity/femininity and their role in forming society expectations while at the same time being rules by those expectations.

While it hasn’t been easy for me going to the gym a couple of days per week and doing the hard work of lifting weights in order to build muscles that would add to my masculinity and attractiveness to myself and to most of the people I know. I find it even harder for women who have to go through much more hectic in order to highlight their femininity and pump their attractiveness.

Weight lifting is not part of what society expects from women in terms of the outer appearance. I guess that they would wish it was instead of all the things they have to do that can be even more painful than an hour at the gym.

From their early childhood, they are subjected to piercing their ears in order to be able to apply some accessories around their head when they grow up. As they get older, they learn to put makeup on their faces which can add to their beauty but at the same time causing them much hectic having to wear such a mask that in a lot of cases doesn’t only require time and money, but also would harm their face skin and inner ego of not being good enough without a mask.

As they mature, they got surprised with a painful technique that are required to be applied on their bodies each month in order to remove their body hair! Then they learn to wear painful shoes with high heels to adhere with what society expects of beauty to be with being taller!

I wonder at some point humans felt it isn’t good enough to stick to what nature gives us of differences between the two sexes. Why do we have to empathies on those differences and highlight them putting a burden on each individual of us in order to comply with the rules we have built? Maybe nature isn’t good enough to differentiate us the way we like to be differentiated.

I am not sure whether what we do is just a natural innate need of emphasizing our masculinity/femininity or is it a blind follow up of what others expect us to be?

It isn’t even easy to figure out thinking of myself. Where I forced to pump up those muscles at the gym to comply with people’s expectation and high regards of muscular men, or is it something my masculinity called for where I would still like to have those muscles even if other people don’t like it?

Would women still go through the pain of removing their body hair if there are men who don’t care about it? or is it the some men who don’t care fear to admit it, just to adhere with what others think is better?

If I was a woman, I would look at society and sigh with wonder of how in the hell things got messed up in order to impose such constraints on me to comply with their expectations.

why in the hell women have to go through such painful measures to satisfy expectations and still keep silent about it where every single woman follows the guidelines of an abstract beauty that we defined with ignorance of its natural rule of being relative?

Jordanian Women and Marriage, again!

On the wedding, I will put a note on my forehead addressing anyone telling me 3o2balek (wishing me to get married next) *Kos Okhtak* (an arabic very humilating insult that means literally “your sister’s pussy” with a hidden meaning of fuck your sister)

That was what she said before her younger brother’s wedding.

The 100 million dollar question is: Why would a young, 26 years old, woman curse people who only wish her good?

That is because she is fed up with those wishes. To her, and to many other women, in her age, those wishes are stabs in her back. Stabs that society meant to say with it that you are not good enough unless you get married. Especially in this case where her younger brother (which is marrying at a young age in terms of the Jordan society standard for men to get married) is showing his success, while at the same time, without intention highlighting her failure of getting married.

A marriage that should be achieved within a short period of time and before she reaches 30 years old. A marriage where a woman should stand still waiting for her chance because it is inappropriate for her to make a move. A marriage where financial situations makes it even harder for many men to make such a move.

Time is ticking, the older a women gets, the less chances of getting married she get. While many young men are going with the modern way of choosing their bride of meeting the girl and getting to know her first before proposing to her family, a lot of others still depend on their mothers to choose for them. The old way where the mother look for the young respectful beautiful virgin to be her future daughter-in-law.

Mothers are making it even harder for their daughters. They keep on nagging about it, thinking that they are doing good, while they are in reality making their daughter’s lives a living hell in an age where they should be enjoying the best of their lives.

Check out:
Hal’s mother nagging for her to find Mr. Right!: He’s a long time a-comin’
7aki Fadi’s memory with el Khuttab: My uncle,the coffee and the 3arees

The origin of Devils and Humans nature

I have always believed in the goodness of human beings, and always fought those who claim that some of us are just purely evil. We usually like to demonize each other, which is something that comes out of us because of our fear on ourselves rather than hatred for those who we don’t know much.

While goodness is my perception of people, I am not naive to ignore our capability of committing the most of evil we can imagine. Sometimes evil hits me hard on my face, it shakes my believes, and makes me wonder whether what I have always believed in is not totally right.

In “The Devil and Miss Prym” Paulo Coelho explores the goodness and evilness in humans. Like most of his novels. He gives a compelling story with a lot of wisdom.

What really stopped me is the talk about Devils’ origin in Chinese philosophy. According to them, devils are made of human souls which experienced evil.

It does make big sense.

I have always percieved people who do evil to be the ones who experienced evil the most. I wouldn’t label them as devils because they are reacting to their own pain not acting out of nothing. It seems that only those who are in pain that can inflict pain on others.

Another concept that Paulo represented in this book is a way for people to let go of their pain. When we are hurt, we feel bitter and injustice. We keep the pain in our hearts, and feel it is our right to hurt others in order to take our own revenge of life (God).

Paulo suggests when you address God and asking him for forgivness for the list of sins you have committed, you should build another list for the sins committed upon you by God and forgive him from your side for the injustice you felt inflicted on you.

Bad people are in pain. Their pain are not clear to us. It is only manifested in their actions. When you find someone hurting another one, you can see clearly that he is in pain himself. It is a good sign for people who can help to address those in pain and try to heal them with love.

People are good. When you feel injustice, let it go. Don’t let your own experience with evil blind you and turn you into a devil. No matter how much pain you inflict on others, it won’t erase the feeling of injustice you have inside of you. It can only go by your own well of letting it go.

My first demonstration and tear bombs!

A couple of years ago, while the Israeli forces where surrounding the Palestinian President – Yasser Arafat at that time – and all the other Palesitnian officials in their offices in Ramallah, the Arabic media were all at rage for what they percieved as another Israeli violation for the Palestinian authority and people.

Here in Jordan, where people are the most closer to what were happening in Palestine, most of us were so angry and needed to do something just to let our anger out.

Me and my best friend alone with his brother-in-law and his friends decided to go out in the demonstration which aimed at marching towards the Israeli embassy in Amman and asking its embassador to leave the country. In other words, we wanted to kick him out!

The demonstration meant to happen on Friday after the prayers. My friends, who were all Muslims, wanted to do their prayers. Me, not wanting to stay out alone, or fearing to loose them in the crowd after the prayers, didn’t know what to do. My friend suggested to join them in the prayers. I accepted.

I had no idea what to do, so I tried to look around me and mock the other men. I had ofcourse to remove the cross I was wearing around my neck so that it won’t pump out whenever I kneel which would be a bit of disrespect to the people I am praying with and their holy place.

It was a wonderful experience where I felt somekind of a patriotic union between me and my fellow Muslim Jordaians. I felt a sense of belonging and somekind of a mutual love for those people who share with me the same desire of helping in this cause.

After the prayers, a lot of people gathered in the street of the Kalooti Mosk in Al Rabieh. There was a lot of women and young children. The Jordanian Army was there as well for security reasons. They stood among us, and actually some of them were cheering us by saying “Allah ye 7ayye aselkom”. It made us feel somekind of safety for their approval of what we are doing, and so we continued our chouting and patriotic chanting for Paletine “Bel roo7 bel dam, nafdeek ya falestine” (We are ready to give our souls and blood for you Palestine) – Actually some of the chantings where “Nafdeeka ya Abo Ammar” (will give ourselves for Yasser Arafat) which I remained silent about it as I would have never done that!

We were in the middle of the crowd, and so we didn’t know what were happening up at the front where people tried to move on with their way towards the Israeli Embassy. I guess the Army tried to hold them, then suddenly, the Army forces between us withraw to the sides of the streets. And suddenly people started running. I didn’t realize why, but I have noticed the Army throwing some tear bombs between us.

I have heard about those tear bombs, but never experienced it. Instead of running with the people, I stupidly thought that there no need to rush, I was looking at those bombs 10 feet away of me and laughing that they are harmless! Till I suddenly realized what they can do when my eyes and nose started swelling! Unfortunatly it was too late for me to run! I had no idea what and so I find myself barging into the nearest place where I hoped I can hide in one of the house around the street. Thank God the people of the house were good ones, and allowed us to enter.

I noticed that it was not only me who barged into there house. There were some other men as well. We were all in tears and finding some difficulties in breathing because of those stupid bombs. The people of the house gave us some onions to smell in order to save us from the effect of those tear bombs.

Some people were beaten up that day, some got to the hospital for loosing their conscious because of the tear bombs, some got all wet from the colored water they shoot on us, others were taken to jail. Fortunatly I was able to go back home. Disappointed first for not achieving our goal, and secondly for realizing the amount of freedom we have in this country and how we can easily get our rights of demonstrating violated.