I love him so much. I have dreamt of him. More than once. And even before he is born, that is if he ever would be. I can feel it. I can understand parents love for their children even before bearing one of my own.
He is a part of me that I wont let go. With the amount of love I believe that I am going to have for my child, I know that I can’t hold such huge responsibility of bringing a new soul to this world.
Life isn’t easy. There is joy and happiness, but there is also sorrow and misery. There is pain. We have all endured somekind of pain, and most definatly any upcoming human to this earth would endure his share. I can’t afford subjecting my child to a minimum amount of pain. I won’t be responsible bringing another soul to life.
Thinking about the whole idea of reprocreation. It does seem to me to be purely a selfish act from the parents side. An act that they hold responsible for for their entire life. They try to make up for that selfishness by loving their child and live their life in order to support his.
I remember that I heard this from someone used to work with me. He used to live in the US. He said “We, here in the Arab world, live FOR our children, while people in the west live WITH their children.” It horribly true. Somehow our society arranged its values to place reporcreation at the top of the pile. I guess it is evolution which dictated us to behave this way. With the risks we feel about our race, we run to reprocreate.
While I do understand the need for reprocreation. I feel weak for doing so myself. Don’t get me wrong. I do love my life. I don’t know whether I would choose to be born or not. I do admire my parents and so thankful for their efforts in providing me with a decent life, but I also know that I have endured pain. I know that I will have endure more. I know that at some point I would loose a close person to death. I am not sure how would I be able to handle this. I know that at some point I would die myself. It scares me. I won’t subject my child to this. I simply won’t.
I love kids, and most definatly dream to be a parent. I need to be a parent. Adoption sounds to me a good solution to my delimma. I am most definite that I can love and raise another person’s child as my own. I am so aware that there are plenty of kids around the world living without parents. They need parents. I can help. I can make the life of a born soul better instead of bringing one to this world.
Sometimes I try to think of it in another way, as of the souls of human being created by God long time ago, and are waiting their turn to come to this world. Maybe my son’s soul is waiting. Maybe he wants me to bring him here. I am resisting for now, and I guess that I will keep on resisting till further notice.
Love you my son…