I love my "won’t be" born son


I love him so much. I have dreamt of him. More than once. And even before he is born, that is if he ever would be. I can feel it. I can understand parents love for their children even before bearing one of my own.

He is a part of me that I wont let go. With the amount of love I believe that I am going to have for my child, I know that I can’t hold such huge responsibility of bringing a new soul to this world.

Life isn’t easy. There is joy and happiness, but there is also sorrow and misery. There is pain. We have all endured somekind of pain, and most definatly any upcoming human to this earth would endure his share. I can’t afford subjecting my child to a minimum amount of pain. I won’t be responsible bringing another soul to life.

Thinking about the whole idea of reprocreation. It does seem to me to be purely a selfish act from the parents side. An act that they hold responsible for for their entire life. They try to make up for that selfishness by loving their child and live their life in order to support his.

I remember that I heard this from someone used to work with me. He used to live in the US. He said “We, here in the Arab world, live FOR our children, while people in the west live WITH their children.” It horribly true. Somehow our society arranged its values to place reporcreation at the top of the pile. I guess it is evolution which dictated us to behave this way. With the risks we feel about our race, we run to reprocreate.

While I do understand the need for reprocreation. I feel weak for doing so myself. Don’t get me wrong. I do love my life. I don’t know whether I would choose to be born or not. I do admire my parents and so thankful for their efforts in providing me with a decent life, but I also know that I have endured pain. I know that I will have endure more. I know that at some point I would loose a close person to death. I am not sure how would I be able to handle this. I know that at some point I would die myself. It scares me. I won’t subject my child to this. I simply won’t.

I love kids, and most definatly dream to be a parent. I need to be a parent. Adoption sounds to me a good solution to my delimma. I am most definite that I can love and raise another person’s child as my own. I am so aware that there are plenty of kids around the world living without parents. They need parents. I can help. I can make the life of a born soul better instead of bringing one to this world.

Sometimes I try to think of it in another way, as of the souls of human being created by God long time ago, and are waiting their turn to come to this world. Maybe my son’s soul is waiting. Maybe he wants me to bring him here. I am resisting for now, and I guess that I will keep on resisting till further notice.

Love you my son…

25 thoughts on “I love my "won’t be" born son

  1. Wait until you are married until you settle this issue…the ‘oneness’ of marriage sets the stage for sacrificial love that parenting necessitates. The desire to have children isn’t selfish at it’s highest, it is a gift from God. Some parents may live vicariously, wrongly through their kids, but it is a huge part of what makes us better people.

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  2. Kinzi, I guess that I have to disagree with you on this🙂. I find bringing up a new soul to life as a selfish act from the parents side. It can be a gift from God to the parents yes, but it is purely for their best interest not for the interest to the child.

    Being selfish doesn’t mean it has to be a bad thing. Some selfishness is healthy.

    Roba, I am glad that you find this post amusing.

    Saadna, I guess I talked about a son because I have dreamt twice before about having a baby boy. I really don’t have any preference towards any future child for me. Maybe what I am feeling is more towards a son because what I imagine as a son is a small copy of me. You know what I mean?

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  3. I highly agree! I would never have a son, although I am open to the concept of adoption. My view stems from that I believe that each person should take consent when they are doing something that directly affects the life of another. What would be an action that affects the life of another than bringing them to life? Nothing!

    I also have firm belief that a parent has the duty to provide for his child. What if that child asked for something that I cannot possibly provide? I would be a bad (biological) parent then, and I am not willing to be so.

    I think this duty still holds for anyone adopting a child. But this duty is lessened by the fact that you did not cause the creation of that child, and being an “imperfect” parent to a child whose biological parents have failed him, is better than him having no parent at all.

    Going with a single mother might also a viable option.

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  4. for me i’ll never have children , i just can’t cause i know that the pain i felt in my life , they’ll feel it ten times worse when they’re born , as you all can see the world is getting worse and worse with every year ,but since i love kids so i’ll adopt 2-3 kids , and raise them as my own

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  5. devil’s mind and Moh, it is good to know that there are some other people who share with me the same view. I guess that it won’t be an easy decision for us to stick too. Maybe as Kinzi said one view would change when he is married, maybe not.

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  6. Based on my view, I would wonder if we as humans are reluctant to give birth to a child because he might suffer in his life, how come God (especially, that of the Christian faith – usually denoted as “Father”) create us FOREKNOWING the some of us will suffer for eternity!! – Just something to chew on…

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  7. devil’s mind,
    when I was more religious I used to think of hell as baffling. A God who put himself on cross for his children would never burn them in hell.

    I dont know why, but I think that I have never taken hell seriously. Heaven maybe, but hell never🙂

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  8. Your view is (was) incompatible with mainstream Christian churches. Many Christians have acknowledged the incoherency of eternal damnation with the Christian view of God, and therefore a new breed of Churches emerged, usually called Universalist Christians. Universalism in the field of religions refers to the concept of universal salvation, which is the believe that all souls will be forgiven and eventually live in harmony with God.

    It is worth noting that, although most Satanists are atheists, yet there are a few variations that are not atheists; most of those believe in universal salvation model of faith.

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  9. I am glad that some churches have changed their views to adopt the universal salvation concept.

    I find it a bit awkward to be a satanist and atheist. I mean what I understand Satanism is people who follow Satan as their God, as of believing that he would have the strength to win the fight ultimatly.

    That means that Satanists believe in the existance of God, right? which means that they can’t be atheist?

    But I take is also from the other side, for instance, I still hold a hope for a hiegher deity existance. Lets say God. But I am most definate that there is no pure evil, as of Satan doesn’t exist.

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  10. Emm, seems you are still struggling with the concept of Satanism. Apparently, you never tried to read about Satanism from any (reliable) source at all!!

    There are many ways to reach the topic, I would recommend that you read the “Satanism” category in my blog, as I try to make it a varied source for the Satanism in general, and my personal view of Satanism in particular.

    Satanism unlike most other religions takes the INDIVIDUAL as a source for enlightenment. Thats to say, most religions believe that a person needs a “Higher Command” to give their life meaning. Most people look up to God to give their life meaning. On the other hand, Satanists believe that each individual has the RESPONSIBILITY to give their life meaning. Most people are not willing to take that responsibility and therefore escape to other religions to lift that responsibility over their shoulders.

    Your thoughts are poisoned by mainstream religions to think that every religions has a “leader”, or “spiritual higher command”. Satanists take nothing but themselves as a the ultimate command, they take a responsibility a very few people are willing to take.

    I would recommend you try to read the Satanic Bible, by Anton Lavey (download here), and listen to a 30-minutes interview with a real Satanic priestess (check my blog entry here, the links are at the bottom).

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  11. devil’s mind,
    I guess that we should go back to square one and define the concept that we are argueing about. Your Satanism is different than mine. Or let me phrase it in other way, what seems to be Satanism in the eyes of its followers is much different than what other people percieve it to be. It can be a tricky dicussion and a bit confusing to discuss this because it has many different angles.

    I went over your Satanic posts at your blog. I have to admite that I am a bit overwhelmed. I loved the interview with the Satanic priest. I got a better idea of what were you talking about. Now I feel that satanism is something close to scientology?

    Reading about the concept of Satanism, I like some and dont like some. I admire the value of knowledge but I don’t feel like wanting to be my own God. I don’t want to be a God. I want to have a God. I want a God to take care of me. I want to know that there are someone who knows better than me, someone who loves me and would take care of me. I want that someone to exist. I don’t want to be him.

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  12. The problem as I previously described is that you take “word of mouth” as your reference to Satanism. Sure everyone will tell you something, but that doesn’t make it truthful or reliable. Many texts exists about Satanism, and those texts are what should be consulted.

    Just as an extra note, Scientology has nothing to do with science (as opposed to what its name seems to suggest). Its more like “science fiction”!! Actually, its founder is a science fiction writer.

    I don’t know much about Scientology. In fact, not many people know about Scientology because -unlike Satanism,- Scientology keeps their religious teachings a secret. They are even a secret to most of their followers!! Only senior followers are allowed to know the “real” teachings of Scientology.

    Anyways, I think Scientology sucks (even more than other mainstream religions) because: (1) You have to pay large amounts of money to become a member. (2) Their teachings are held secret. (3) They are against freedom of speech. (4) They don’t tolerate people mocking their religion. (5) Tom Cruise sucks!!

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  13. Devil’s mind, I would say it is merely a word of mouth. The view I recieved about Satanism is the Christian Church view.

    As for scientology, I believe that I have read somewhere that people who follow it, believe in science. They believe that with science we can solve everything. To me it seems as close to your view of Satanism. Both cherish knowledge.

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  14. If so, then why do they keep their teachings a secret?! Have you not asked yourself that question?!

    And why would anyone have to pay large amounts of money just to say that they think science solves everything?!

    And most important of all, I don’t think any real knowledge seeker would oppose free speech!!! Opposition of free speech is the ultimate betrayal to the recognition of supremacy of knowledge!!

    What is known about the “beliefs” of Scientology can be summarized by the following: In some distant planet, there was an over population problem, so Xenu the ruler of that planet crushed large portions of his population and then collected their souls. Then Xenu brainwashed those souls about the existence of things like God, religions, and stuff and dumped those souls on earth. Now those souls attached themselves to human bodies and started influencing them. Those “alien” souls apparently had serious depression problem and therefore caused humans to become depressed as well. Now, those souls can be detected using special tools (called E-meters) that measure the “Thetan” levels in the human body, and according to the Thetan levels they start treating depression.

    So, if the above story is scientific, I rest my case!

    PS: I acknowledge the possibility of existence of aliens, but I really doubt that L. Ron Habbard (the founder of Scientology) really did find all those information scientifically!!

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  15. I had no idea about those teachings of scientology. I went over wickipedia and read more about it. You are right. I only knew little about it. It is always interesting to get some information about other weird beliefs. You seem to have a good insight about beliefs.

    Maye I ask you if you consider yourself a satanist?

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  16. Now it is clear to me where this passion of defending Satanism came from🙂

    Before our conversation I used to fear talking with people calling themselves Satanists. Obviously I had a different perception than of those who believe. I can see clear that you didn’t choose your believe by luck or as a fashion. You seem to know much, not just about it, but also about other beliefs as well.

    I am glad we had this conversation. It cleared somethings out to me.

    Wish you the best in which ever path you choose in your life.

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  17. Before our conversation I used to fear talking with people calling themselves Satanists. – It has been said: People are afraid of what they don’t understand.

    Now, that you have an idea of what Satanism is about, guess things are much more different.

    Anton Lavey once said, “Satanism does NOT demand worship, it demands study” – Guess this should be generalized to all religions, because if you don’t truly understand WHY a certain religion is that way, you would always miss the point.

    I guess, exploring different beliefs would expand a person’s insight as to the ventures others have taken. I think understanding other religions would even make you understand your own religion even better.

    Personally, I think of religions as the “philosophies of life and being”, NOT a commitment to follow a certain rigid system of teachings.

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  18. Wisely put. I guess that continuous reading your blog and checking what you say would teach me other things as well.

    Things change with time. I follow my path with an open eye, observing my life as it unfold. Anticipating where it would lead me…

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